HomeUploadUpload DirectHotlinkRandomAbouttheme toggle

Bath Salts, Naked Zombie Cannibals & Stupid Senators

Views: 957
Bath salts. They're turning people from Miami to Maryland into flesh-eating hulks and the synthetic concoctions that are sold as insect repellent and plant food have supposedly singlehandedly set off the zombie apocalypse.

New York Sen. Chuck Schumer, fresh off his victory in banning caffeinated alcoholic beverages like Four Loko, is hell-bent on banning so-called bath salts. The senator, who in the past has tried to regulate the price of Coca Krispies, Count Chocula, and other breakfast cereals, also wants to outlaw fake pot, too - because the war on real pot is going so swell.

It all started on a Florida offramp in broad daylight when a car-washing Bible-thumper snapped, allegedly under the influence of zombie dust. The story soon eclipsed the presidential election and Miley Cyrus' lack of underwear as the most important issue in the country.

There was an immediate obsession with the substance that "caused" this unnatural act.To date, there's no evidence that Sunshine State face-chewer Rudy Eugene was in fact whacked out on bath salts. The Miami Mauler had been arrested at least eight times since he was 16 and had threatened to kill his Mom on at least once violent occasion.

Here's the problem with banning "synthetic methamphtemine" - or the real thing, for that matter: There are an infinite number of ways that natural and artifical drugs can be combined, married and sewn together to get a user higher Matthew McConaughey on any given Monday. Science will always be one step ahead of the legislative process, so as quickly as a chemical compound is banned, four more will spring forth from crafty laboratories eager to pacify those seeking a quick fix.

But...but...but...bath salts make you a zombie cannibal, don't they? You can hear the Sen. Schumers of the world ask that question. But hardly The other two cannibalism stories in the news don't involve bath salts or naked zombies. The Canadian porn star who hacked up his friend, ate his bits, then sent appendages on a tour of the Canadian Postal Service is more gruesome than Celine Dion's entire discography, but the guy was clothed and sober. The kid in Maryland who ate the heart and brain of his Ghanian roommate was also not on the salts, and he too was clothed.

So instead of banning bath salts, how about enforcing the existing ban on zombie cannibalism? And if we can't do that, can we at least ban opportunistic, incompetent legislators?

Oh, Calgon, take me away!

Produced by Meredith Bragg. Written by Nick Gillespie and Kennedy, who narrates.

Follow Reason (@reason), Gillespie (@nickgillespie), and Kennedy (@kennedynation) on Twitter.

About 2.30 minutes. Visit http://www.reason.tv for downloadable versions and subscribe to Reason.tv's YouTube Channel to receive automatic updates when new material goes live.
@ReasonVidsfollow
Thumbnail for Banning Soda, Lessons from Wisconsin, & Obama the Pot Smoker7:37
Banning Soda, Lessons from Wisconsin, & Obama the Pot Smoker
ReasonVids
932 views
Thumbnail for How Obama's War on Drugs Destroys Legal Immigrant Families4:25
How Obama's War on Drugs Destroys Legal Immigrant Families
ReasonVids
846 views
Thumbnail for The man who almost faked his way to a Nobel Prize | BobbyBroccoli42:30
The man who almost faked his way to a Nobel Prize | BobbyBroccoli
science.topic
37 views
Thumbnail for Cop’s Obama Rant Embarrasses Officials, Spurs 2014 Nanny of the Year Win2:22
Cop’s Obama Rant Embarrasses Officials, Spurs 2014 Nanny of the Year Win
ReasonVids
895 views
Thumbnail for How should I respond to liberals and conservatives who say I'll "grow out of" libertarianism?2:13
How should I respond to liberals and conservatives who say I'll "grow out of" libertarianism?
ReasonVids
804 views
Thumbnail for 3 Reasons to Fix Social Security Now!2:05
3 Reasons to Fix Social Security Now!
ReasonVids
860 views
Thumbnail for Our Mind is Not a Blank Slate: Evolutionary Psychologists Leda Cosmides & John Tooby11:51
Our Mind is Not a Blank Slate: Evolutionary Psychologists Leda Cosmides & John Tooby
ReasonVids
853 views
Thumbnail for We Shut Down State Mental Hospitals. Some Want to Bring Them Back.17:42
We Shut Down State Mental Hospitals. Some Want to Bring Them Back.
ReasonVids
831 views
Thumbnail for Former Australian government advisor explains how wind farms are nothing more than a tax payer money siphoning operation.3:40
Former Australian government advisor explains how wind farms are nothing more than a tax payer money siphoning operation.
bestofvoatxyz
518 views
Thumbnail for Those Who Know The Least About Bitcoin Want to Ban it the Most: Reason-Rupe Poll April 20141:13
Those Who Know The Least About Bitcoin Want to Ban it the Most: Reason-Rupe Poll April 2014
ReasonVids
866 views
Thumbnail for Listen Up Cops: Get Ready for War | Live From The Lair23:31
Listen Up Cops: Get Ready for War | Live From The Lair
Terrence Popp
1423 views
Thumbnail for F.L.O.S.S: Protecting You from Low-Cost Teeth-Whitening Services1:59
F.L.O.S.S: Protecting You from Low-Cost Teeth-Whitening Services
IJvids
1079 views
Thumbnail for Based negress2:09
Based negress
bestofvoatxyz
381 views
Thumbnail for Anaheim Reacts  to Police Shootings2:44
Anaheim Reacts to Police Shootings
ReasonVids
819 views
Thumbnail for Bradley Manning Rally in Fort Meade4:01
Bradley Manning Rally in Fort Meade
ReasonVids
843 views
Thumbnail for How to Fix America's Health Insurance Crisis: GET SOME7:44
How to Fix America's Health Insurance Crisis: GET SOME
ReasonVids
827 views
Thumbnail for Is this the real reason they hate Assange so much?0:31
Is this the real reason they hate Assange so much?
bestofsaidit
874 views
Thumbnail for Ethanol: Silly Senator, Corn is for Food!7:29
Ethanol: Silly Senator, Corn is for Food!
ReasonVids
993 views
Thumbnail for Should You Marry a Single Mom? 12:32
Should You Marry a Single Mom?
Terrence Popp
749 views
Thumbnail for How Europe Censors What Americans Say Online9:30
How Europe Censors What Americans Say Online
ReasonVids
967 views
Thumbnail for Capitalism vs. Socialism: A Soho Forum Debate1:38:45
Capitalism vs. Socialism: A Soho Forum Debate
ReasonVids
689 views
Thumbnail for Lori Ann Vendetti & Property Rights4:29
Lori Ann Vendetti & Property Rights
IJvids
891 views
Thumbnail for 5 Things Libertarians Should Be Nervous About in 20173:00
5 Things Libertarians Should Be Nervous About in 2017
ReasonVids
873 views
Thumbnail for The $140 Mail-Order CRISPR Kit: Is Unregulated Biohacking the Future of Science?9:58
The $140 Mail-Order CRISPR Kit: Is Unregulated Biohacking the Future of Science?
ReasonVids
914 views

points

Permalink
Reply
reason, reason.tv, reason.com, reason.org, reason magazine, reason foundation, libertarian, kennedy, mtv kennedy, bath salts, drugs bath salts, zombie, cannibal, miami, maryland, miami cannibal, schumer
TOS  •  Add Keywords  •  Donate  •   Analytics  •   DMCA  •   Puzzle